Totally Practically Naked in My Room on a Wednesday Night

Dylan is 17 and sex-obssessed.  And tonight he wants to lose his virginity.  But will it be to a boy or a girl?  Oh, the oppression of choice...

(FX: PORN MOVIE.  MADDY stares at the TV agog)

DYLAN
(snatching the remote)
Mum!  You are sick!

MADDY
I’m sick?  Seventeen and you’re already into threesomes!  I hadn’t even got into onesomes at at your age!  

DYLAN
You were married when you were my age!

MADDY
I was engaged!  And still a virgin!

DYLAN
Mum!

MADDY
I was eighteen before I let that gorilla even finger me, I’ll have you know.  I was certainly not ‘cracking one out' to...
(reads, stunned)
Darling..?  ‘Bi-Bi Blackbirds’?

(DYLAN hurls himself onto the bed and covers his head...)

DYLAN
Muuuuum!

MADDY
(reeling...)
B-I B-I - B-L-A-K? You’re buying bisexual biracial porn made by people that can’t spell?  Okay, it’s official - you are getting too much pocket money.

DYLAN
I’m not going to discuss the content of my porn with you, mum - that’s too fucked up even for us!

MADDY
I knew I should have sent you to catholic school - You’d have still been a pervert but at least you’d be able to spell!

DYLAN
Blak’s meant to have no c, mum - that’s porn spelling.  ~ And it’s not pocket money when I’m practically eighteen.  

MADDY
Oh?  And what is then - she asked hopefully - a loan?

DYLAN
An allowance.  Anyway the dvd’s not mine - I borrowed it.

MADDY
From whom, let me guess?  Not that thug Vince Pereira by any chance?

DYLAN
Oliviera - Mum, don’t start!

MADDY
So - not only is he a thug - he’s a homothug?  Fabulous!  Oh, well, that’s what I get for raising a child in Notting Hill...

DYLAN
Now, we see the real you!  A racist, homophobic word fascist!  I should report you to the council.

MADDY
You’re the one who described your quote unquote friend as a thug!  I asked - why do I always have to see that Vince boy’s underpants?  Why are his trousers permanently round his knees?  Did he lose weight in a sudden attack of dysentary?  And you gave me that withering look and spat back in your customary tone of contempt- it’s ‘thug-style mother’!

DYLAN
‘Style’, mother!  ‘Style’!  He’s not an actual thug!  He’s a pizza delivery boy!

MADDY
Oh, well, that’s alright then!  It’s every mother’s dream that her son will borrow swinger porn from a pizza delivery boy!  I can now die happy!

MADDY
Some people are stereotypes, darling.  I’m a clingy caucasian middle-class mother, Charlie is a brilliant Asian over-achiever, and Vince is a classic black thug.  And I’m not racist, darling, God knows - you were nearly black, you know.

DYLAN
What?

MADDY
My cherry was a toss-up between your dad and Wesley Macfarlane the Trinidadian limbo dancer.

DYLAN
Your cherry?

MADDY
You know, my...

DYLAN
I know what your cherry is, mum - I’m just not supposed to know!  You’re can’t use words like cherry in front of me - Or my friends - it’s mortifying.  Do you know what Charlie just called you?  Do you know what a Milf is?

MADDY
An abbreviation of Millefueille, the rich sweet creamy french pastry?

DYLAN
‘Mums I’d Like to Fuck’.

MADDY
I beg your pardon?

DYLAN
Milf is short for ‘Mums I’d Like to Fuck.’

MADDY
(staring.)
Oh.
(smiling)
Oh.  
(off DYLAN’S look)
What, Darling?  You’d think you’d be proud of your hottie mummy.

DYLAN
You’d think you’d be ashamed of being the dirty joke of the sixth form.   

MADDY
When a woman passes forty, she  takes what she can get, my love.    

DYLAN
Well, you can’t have my friends.  That’s my friend, mum - This is my room - this is my seventeenth year.  Mine, mum!   It’s time to let me have it and start letting go.

MADDY
Seventeen months.

DYLAN
What?

MADDY
That’s when it started - When you spoke your first word - You started so late - We were starting to worry about you and then it came - a whole sentence - “No, Mum.”  “Goo-goo, gaa-gah No, Mum.”  Mum is usually baby’s first word.  With you it was second.  Seventeen months - almost to the day.  At Seven years old - Your first day at junior school - you made me stop at the end of the road and let you walk the last hundred yards without me.  Laughing and swaggering with all your new mates - you were seven now and I was an embarrassment - and now you’re seventeen and I’m redundant - who says seven’s a lucky number?  Okay - I’m leaving.  And promise never to enter this room again without your invitation.
Oh dear - look at you - I’m a teensy little bit of a monster, aren’t I?  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry that I love you so much...

DYLAN
Mum.

MADDY
Okay!  
(backing out of the room)
I’ll stop.  I swear.  And I promise and I give you my word - your seventeenth year is all yours - my love... my life... my baby boy - If you’re hungry just bang on the floor -  There’s soup!


 

 

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